When we begin a relationship we are usually on our best behavior. We shower before our date, shave, fix our hair, wear make-up and put our comfy clothes away. We ignore things we shouldn’t and focus on showing our best side. We might even try to hide our faults, flaws, and foibles. Most people put on false personas rather than show others an authentic self.
We might hide an addiction or negative behavior out of fear that we will be rejected. We might be afraid to show our new partner our true selves because of our insecurities. Rather than asking questions to seek a better understanding of the other, we become mute, afraid to ask for clarity.
How We Shoot Ourselves In The Foot
We are not authentic and transparent. We hide our insecurities behind a false persona rather than expose the truth of our being. If we fake who we are in any way we are inauthentic. Eventually, the mask and shield will drop leaving the other person wondering who the hell they fell in love with?
We lack self-love. We look for a relationship to make us happy or fill the void of emptiness, rather than filling ourselves up and lovingly accepting ourselves as we are.
We become deaf mutes. We pretend we didn’t hear or see behaviors that are alarming or potentially damaging to ourselves or the relationship. Instead of asking questions we remain silent about our concerns.
We keep quiet about important situations that bother us. It is better to ask a question to get clarity than to make false assumptions about another person. Asking questions is a positive way to get more information, rather than stating what you think is true for them.
We don’t talk about the elephant in the room like; “Do you like who I am? Are you attracted to me? Do you think our core values are in alignment?”
We don’t know what we want. When we don’t know what we want in a relationship we get what we get. Only when we are crystal clear about what we want and won’t tolerate are we able to say something isn’t going to work for us. (Aphrodite Effect Audio program is very effective for this issue)
We aren’t clear upfront about our agenda. If you want to get married and the person you are dating says they aren’t ready for a serious relationship – MOVE ON! Don’t pretend you are okay with your relationship status if you aren’t.
We aren’t clear on our core values. Dating someone with core values that differ from yours will create issues down the road. Religious differences, parenting styles, fiscal responsibility, health, exercise are all part of core values. Most people don’t bother to sit down to clarify what they stand for, believe in and is important to them before getting into a relationship. Save yourself some heartache and discover your core values. Write them down. Commit them to memory. Know what is important to you and what’s not.
We rush to the finish line, looking to play house, cohabitate or get married too soon. We don’t allow our relationship to unfold naturally over time. Instead, enjoy the moment and things will develop without forcing them.
We push for commitment too soon. It takes some time to get to know another person. Most of us don’t even know ourselves! Take your time becoming acquainted before moving in together or taking your relationship to the next level. Once you get to know the other well you might find you feel differently.
If you just want to date, say so. Don’t leave the other person wondering about whether you want to get married – eventually or have children.
If there is an age difference talk about it. Ignoring a major issue that could be contentious later on is setting you up for failure.
Ask yourself if you are okay accepting the person as they are? Or do you long to change the way they wear their hair, where they work, how they talk, eat, stand? Unconditional love means accepting another as they are NOW.
We fall in love with the potential of our partner. We dream about what they could be, rather than love them for who they are NOW.
We attract what we fear. If we are afraid someone will cheat on us, we attract cheaters to us. Old patterns can continue to surface until we change our behavior and unconscious thoughts.
We put our relationship on autopilot. Relationships take time and energy. We need to listen to our partner, spend time face-to-face communicating verbally, watching body language. We need understanding, compassion, respect, and acceptance. If we ignore our relationship it will die, just like plants will without water and attention.
We expect our partner to be perfect, rather than accepting their imperfections lovingly.
We forget the purpose of relationships is to help us grow. Relationships bring up our deepest fears, issues, and challenges. Blaming the other for your reaction isn’t taking responsibility for your issues. Blame is often the cause of divorce.
Unfortunately, when we focus on trying to be perfect, we also downplay the other person’s faults and flaws, often explaining them away. We ignore red flags and refuse to talk about the things that bother us, like the toothpaste lid or the toilet seat being left up their drinking or pot smoking or negativity.
Our fear of rejection is our motivation. Rather than recognizing our wonderful qualities, value and gifts we worry about our deficits thinking we aren’t worthy of love or won’t be loved for who we are.
Until we love and accept ourselves as we are, no one else will either. JEM
As time goes on, those small things we didn’t mention that bother us begin to add up. Resentment builds because of the stories in our head about what they didn’t do. Our unmet expectations cause us to feel resentment.
We expect our partners to be psychic and just know what we are thinking. Each time they don’t meet our expectations we make a mental note, keeping score. The stories in our head are what defeat us rather than the other person.
Expectations cause resentment. JEM
When we live alone we cook for ourselves, do our dishes and take out the trash. When we begin to cohabitate with a partner we expect that they will do certain tasks. We avoid asking for help. When they don’t take out the trash (because they should just KNOW) we become irritated. When weeks go by and the trash hasn’t been removed by our partner, we might throw a hand grenade, “It would be nice if you could give me a hand for a change!” Our attitude is the problem, not the trash. We blame our partners for what they didn’t do, becoming resentful.
Sex Is A Form Of Communication
When our verbal communication is absent, sex becomes a challenge. Who wants to have sex with someone who isn’t loving, kind or communicating civilly? We have to resolve our issues for sex to be easy, natural and mutually pleasurable. The better our verbal communication, the better the sex!
A healthy balanced relationship will help you live longer. We give our work our full attention. We pay attention to our cell phones, television, and social media. Relationships also need attention to thrive. Have a regular date night without television. Talk openly about what is going on for you. We aren’t robots or machines. We are spiritual beings with feelings and needs. Ask for what you want and make sure your partner has their needs met as well. Hire a coach who already loves themselves to navigate your challenges.
Can’t do this alone? You don’t have to. I’d love to hear about your situation. Let’s set up a time to talk and see if I can help you. JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com
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