There are times we think we are doing the right or best thing by “helping.” Whether it is a loan, bailing our kid out of jail, a plane ticket or paying someone’s cell phone bill enabling another is a walk through the darkness for the giver and the receiver.
The lesson of enabling behavior?
There is no gift when there is a cost for the receiver
1. Focus on the lesson learned rather than the loss.
2. When we give someone (a child, boyfriend or friend) a loan we are enabling them. Enabling is an addictive behavior that comes from wanting love from others.
3. We think we are “helping,” when we are actually disempowering the other.
4. We are so afraid to allow others to fall on their faces we attempt to control or stop their fall by “catching them,” which is debilitating.
5. Enabling keeps both parties stuck and trapped in a negative paradigm where one is angry and the other feels controlled.
6. Awareness is needed to see the pattern.
7. Purging, clearing, letting go and releasing is needed to complete the process. We need to sit in silence, feel what we feel and allow the emotions to move through us. Joy is on the other side.
8. Until our behavior is altered there is no lasting change.
We need to look at what the plan is going forward. How will our behavior change the next time this happens? How can we respond differently? Where was this pattern prevalent? When did it originate? Who was involved? How did we feel then? How differently do we feel now?
- Can we trust the other person to do what is best for them?
- We decide for them, “I’ll help you through this by ____________.” (bailing out, loaning money etc.)
- We step in so that they don’t fail or fall.
- We think we are the hero when in reality we are in an addictive paradigm of negative behavior that needs to be healed.
We Are Both Dark and Light
- We can’t truly be in a state of unconditional love and acceptance when we attempt to cut out, ignore or pretend our behavior doesn’t exist. We have to raise our awareness to see our part in the problem.
- Ignoring what is doesn’t make it go away.
- Blaming the other doesn’t remove our participation in the problem.
- We have to love all parts of ourselves, not just the pretty, sweet-smelling pieces.
To be truly integrated and happy we need to embrace all of ourselves.
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